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Like a lot of people these days, I get a lot of funny (and some not so funny) emails. Reading my emails first thing in the morning is often the brightest part of a dull day. Some emails make me angry, some make me sad, some give me something to chew on for a while, but most are just for a laugh. I thought I’d share the best of them, and hope that others will do the same. If you have emails you’d like to share, funny, topical, political, religious, whatever,
By doing this I am assured a place in heaven as I must surely have sent the email on at least ten times, and have good luck for a decade, and ensured that forty mockingbirds won't nest in my left earhole.
I reserve total discretion as to what emails I choose to post (I do not respond kindly to threats, superstitions, or bullshit promises... although I'd really rather not have 40 birds nest in my earhole).
THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND .
“Our First Winter”
DECEMBER 20th
It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we’ve seen for years.
The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground.
It’s so beautiful and peaceful.
DECEMBER 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see.
What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle.
I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it.
I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snow plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street.
The driver smiled and waved.
I waved back and shovelled it away again.
The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight.
A couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DECEMBER 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees..
Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow.
I shovelled the driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again.
Much of the snow is now a brownish / grey.
JANUARY 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again.
Bought snow tyres for both our cars.
Fell on my arse in the driveway.
Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JANUARY 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought her a 4×4 to get her to work.
She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
Had another 8 inches of the white shite last night.
Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush.
That bastard snow plough came by twice today …………. Where’s that bloody shovel.
JANUARY 9th
More fucking snow.
Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn’t been damaged.
Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house.
I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes.
Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.
JANUARY 13th
This fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.
The little twats next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back.
I’ll shove that carrot so far up the little bastard’s arse it’ll take a good surgeon hours to find it.
If I ever catch the prick that drives the snowplough I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth.
I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the fucking driveway again.
JANUARY 17th
Sixteen more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night.
I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick.
Can’t move my fucking toes.
Haven’t seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.
JANUARY 18th
FUCK THIS, I’M MOVING BACK TO LONDON ………………………………………….
Yes folks, this is what we are paying for. They definitely need more money.
:
Reason why cameras not allowed in our Parliament!
Oh Wonderful, while we are all praying to keep our jobs!!!!!!!!!! This picture is worth a trillion $$
House Minority Leader pictured standing, far right, speaks whilecolleagues play solitaire Monday night as the House convened to voteon a new budget. (AP)
The guy sitting in the row in front of these two….he’s on Facebook,and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.
These are the folks that couldn’t get the budget out by Oct. 1, andare about to control your health care, cap and trade, and the listgoes on and on…. Should we buy them larger screen computers – or -a ticket home, permanently? This is one of their 3-DAY WORK WEEKS that we all pay for(salary is about $179,000 per year).
This is the sort of thing my daughters would cheerfully do to me.
A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Tess
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
WHAT AN AMAZING OLD FELLOW…..VERY TALENTED !!!!!
-
Even for those who aren’t from Broken Hill this is a pretty amazing story.—–
G’Day. . . . . . People from Broken Hill will remember from their younger days this Icon of the city. He used to go to all the public functions… especially the picture theatres. And always carried a sugar bag to collect empty Bottles and Cans.
His name was… Albert (Tapper) Torney Everyone thought he was a bit Eccentric and kids would tease and hassle him. But it was discovered he was Very Talented and only sold the empty bottles and some of the cans.
After he died in (1998 aged 86) His large collection of Model Cars he made from the AluminumCans was discovered.This goes to prove… “You Shouldn’t Judge A Book by its Cover”, or a Sculptor by his sugar bag.
Some of his collection: —-H please scroll down ……..
The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”
Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”
Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England . In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland . Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says“Hello!”. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Where Did Maxine Come From? This is interesting. I never knew who the creator of Maxine was! After the Maxine jokes there is a summary on how she was created and a photo of her creator. More from the gal everyone loves and admires, and you finally get to meet her creator at the end..Enjoy this bit of humor.THERE ARE NEW ONES NEVER SEEN BEFORE…DON’ T MISS THE VERY LAST ONE “TOWEL HEADS”..I loved it!The creator Maxine is a man! How cool that a man has such insight into women and this kind of humor.<http://pressroom.hallmark.com/Multimedia/Item/John-Wagner%3E;John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School Leonia N.J. John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George School of Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group.But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John’s professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and created Maxine.‘Cartoonists are sensitive to the insanities of the world; we just try to humanize them,’ John says.‘If Maxine can get a laugh out of someone who feelslonely or someone who is getting older and hates the thought of another birthday, or if she can make someone chuckle about stressful interpersonalrelationships, then I’m happy. Putting a smile on someone’s face is what it’s all about.’Why the name ‘Maxine’? ‘People at Shoebox started referring to the character as ‘John Wagner’s old lady,’ and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,’ John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested ‘Maxine.’ John says the name is perfect.John, who says he’s humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he’s proud of her.Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be.SOME NEW MAXINES !I haven’t seen these before. Good ones.Do you think???
Our Ironclad creed:
To offer everyone the respect that we would enjoy.
To respect the right of everyone to be treated as an equal despite our
differences, and to recognise that although we are not
all 'created equal' we should all have equal rights to liberty, health
and opportunity; where such 'opportunity' does not include the right to
exploit, oppress or gain advantage at the expense of the rights of
others. I believe...
Like a lot of people these days, I get a lot of funny (and some not so funny) emails. Reading my emails first thing in the morning is often the brightest part of a dull day. Some emails make me angry, some make me sad, some give me something to chew on for a while, but most are just for a laugh. I thought I’d share the best of them, and hope that others will do the same. If you have emails you’d like to share, funny, topical, political, religious, whatever,
By doing this I am assured a place in heaven as I must surely have sent the email on at least ten times, and have good luck for a decade, and ensured that forty mockingbirds won't nest in my left earhole.
I reserve total discretion as to what emails I choose to post (I do not respond kindly to threats, superstitions, or bullshit promises... although I'd really rather not have 40 birds nest in my earhole).
‘Amazing
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