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This
is an absolute
'must-see' vid on you tube, for anyone interested in the current
financial crisis. So if you're not sitting in a cave in the mountains
of Tibet, go here...
Santa’s Bad Day One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
> >
> > Warning: Scam Against Older Men
> >
> > Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at shopping
> > centres and in dark car parks etc. This is the first warning I have seen
> > for men.. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.
> >
> > A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre
> > 10, or K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
> >
> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
> > Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
> > Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
> > Here’s how the scam works:
> >
> > Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute
> > as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start
> > wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
> > falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When
> > you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ but instead ask for a
> > ride to McDonald’s.
> >
> > You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
> > undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
> > one steals your wallet.
> > I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
> > 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
> > 26th & 27th, and early this May….. it’s very likely to happen again this
> > coming weekend.
> >
> >
> > So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage
> > of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
> >
> > The Reject Shop has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper
> > ones at Go Lo and bought them out completely.
> >
> >
> > Also, you can eat heavily at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just
> > running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.
> >
> >
> > So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them
> > to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch
> > and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
> > Please take this seriously and pass on.
> >
> >
>
A lot of truth in this one; like the old saying:
Young men fight wars…
That old men cause.
Drafting Guys Over 60
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier… New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them
for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too… I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends…it’s in big type so they can read it.
Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’ ‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Pension sex.’ ‘Pension sex?’ ‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’ LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.’
‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural.
I don’t see what the problem is.’
‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him and replied, ‘You’re never home!’
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small,
$6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, ‘When you die, I’m getting
You a headstone that reads:
‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.’
‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last..’ ‘
WOMEN’S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, ‘This will make you happy tonight.’ He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex…. He could also fly.’
Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on his farm.
After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.
About a week later, this is what he found!
I know we’ve all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of us have said, ‘If a snake tried to eat me, I’d blah, blah, blah & get away.’
Well, this is a Python & they’re extremely aggressive & have a few teeth that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then constrict.
Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it’s ‘few teeth?’
“Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass … it’s about caring and loving your relatives and friends while you can touch and see them, and they are still among us.
May you always walk in sunshine, my friend!!
Be kind to all you meet, each of us carries a burden that others can’t see.
Our Ironclad creed:
To offer everyone the respect that we would enjoy.
To respect the right of everyone to be treated as an equal despite our
differences, and to recognise that although we are not
all 'created equal' we should all have equal rights to liberty, health
and opportunity; where such 'opportunity' does not include the right to
exploit, oppress or gain advantage at the expense of the rights of
others. I believe...
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